TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further area exactly where American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present everyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It truly is Trump Tower Damascus that he should prevent making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You realize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not just hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting awareness from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge in which my PTSD might have transform-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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